So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
