if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
