I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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