if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
