rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize