so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I AM VODKA MAN
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
