I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize