so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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