Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
