You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
