Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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