your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
