What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
