how can u be prego again
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
