Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
