I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
