Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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