Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
be right there i have to get my cape
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize