Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
