the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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