i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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