i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
