I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
