I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize