Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
