a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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