Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
