I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
