How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
They are going to name an STD after you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize