hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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