I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
