woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
