this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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