I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
