Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Welp...herpes.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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