I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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