What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He has the fingertips of a God
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