The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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