I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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