i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
