my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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