Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
not ubering you a puppy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize