Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
