I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
50% drunk capacity currently
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
