When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
