Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
