He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
