My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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