totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
