the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
