she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
