Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
