you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
