he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
