I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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