It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize