it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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