I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
