I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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