capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
