I just cut my nipple shaving
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
